I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
