I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
