Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My cat gives me a boner
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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