dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
