I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
