I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
