I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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