she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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