There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I deserve this hangover.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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