omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We named our party play list daddy issues
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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