in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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