I'm really into asian looking animals
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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