I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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