His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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