I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
