I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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