just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
