Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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