LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
