And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
