There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
