i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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