just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
