the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
