The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
