My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
