He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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