I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
