I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
