i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize