I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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