The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
