I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
