Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
