Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize