I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
jump out the window naked night went bad
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
