I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
