She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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