have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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