you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
