I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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