Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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