After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
