One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
worst night to have a conscience
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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