I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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