she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
