I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
