My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
where are my eyebrows?
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