Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
