I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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