im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
