Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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