the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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