brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
