sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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