non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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