im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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