whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
