Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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