Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
