so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
