there's paper in my vomit.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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