Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This is the prime rib incident all over again
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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