I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dick very happy bro
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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