Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You are the jesus of drinking
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
