my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
