Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Found your dick twin last night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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