I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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