Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
