It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
