i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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