i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize