ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
