Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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