I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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